Friday 30 December 2011

2012 - "It's all about US"

Every year during the week between Christmas and New Years celebrations I try to figure out what I want to be about or live for in the new year.  It was really easy this time.  In 2012 I want to live for "Us".

I have always been an "others" focused person.  It is one of my life values.  Its why I wanted to be an evangelist and an entertainer.  It's hard to be either of those without an "us" somewhere... the "us" is the crowd and as an entertainer or a preacher you are just in front of it... part of the "us" .  It's hard to have memories without an "us".  When there is no "us" it sounds like this ... I remember when I was with myself and I told a joke and... or I remember me sitting there alone and... and then I said to myself ... and I laughed and laughed... those are boring memories... and even a little scary.  But, when you throw in a few other characters the memories become something to remember.  2012 is all about "us".

I like people and I care about people other than myself... It actually brings me a certain level of fulfillment to know I have helped someone... or can help someone.

Over the past few years I have been unable to help anyone.  "I" needed help and it's really hard to give when your hand is empty.  I have spent a lot of time on myself... thought about myself... prayed for myself... taken care of myself... I have been very focused on myself... and it needed to be done... but, I really started missing "US".  The more I thought about it the more important "us" became.  Now that I'm feeling better I am ready for some more of "us".

"Us" is better than me... "Us" is stronger than I... When one of "Us" is weak, or stumbles the other "Us" can help... I really like "Us"... "Us makes me feel safe.  "Us" is more important than me... "Us" is more valuable than I ... "Us" includes I ... "Us" embraces me... "Us" weaves me into a story or an event ... "Us" makes me feel loved and accepted and wanted and needed... I love "Us".

"Us" has had a lot of fun.  "Us" has some fantastic memories.  "Us" did some silly things.  "Us" did some great things.  "Us" did some unbelievable things. "Us Partied hard, Played hard and Prayed hard.  The best part about "us" is that it only takes one other person and "you" instantly becomes an "US"!

Some of my favorite "Us's" today are... Madison, Dylan and Dad...  Mitch and Jesse... Martin and Jesse... Scott and Jesse... Mom and Jesse... Adam and UNC... Some of my favorite "Us's" in history are... Karen and Jesse (my all time favorite "Us")... Karen, Madison, Dylan and me (The Ultimate "Us")... Dan Greene and Jesse... Toney and Jesse... Jim Grey and Jesse... Tom Huff and Jesse... Graham Cooke and Jesse... Graham Ord and Jesse... Steve Lee and Jesse... Billy and Jesse... Matt and Jesse... Mark and Ian and Jesse... Jordan and Jesse... Leith and Jesse... Ross and Jesse... Joe and Jesse... Tony Morton and Jesse... Hal and Jesse... Dr. John and Jesse... etc.  Man, I wish you could see in my head and my heart as I write out those names... the memories and the emotions... so sweet.... so good.

My favorite spiritual "Us" is Jesus and Jesse and a close second would be Holy Spirit and Jesse... I also enjoy God and Jesse although its hard for me to grasp.  Since I mentioned it, one of the names that Jesus was called is Emmanuel (I guess he is still called Emmanuel especially at Christmas time... oops sorry, during holiday season) ... Emmanuel means, God with "Us". God likes the "us" too.  I feel like I kind of forgot that... or set it to the side... or misplaced it.  I have been so focused on me and God or what God did for me or Jesus and me or me and Holy Spirit that I forgot to notice God likes "Us"... God is with "Us".  ALL of "Us" and all of our "Us's"... I am really happy that God is not just about me... I can be pretty boring... Imagine if all God had to talk to the angels about was Jesse.  Hey angels... says God... want to know what Jesse did today?..... (long pause) .... soft "yes Lord" from the angles.... "Well," says the Lord "he ate oatmeal and a banana and had a Starbucks... then he went to work... he swore twice at the wrench's ... had a turkey sandwich at Subway... asked for strength around 2 oclock, doubted Me around three, said He was sorry, then he went home.... and he still wants to quit smoking... That would be it... everyday.... thats so boring even the angels would want to die.  God with "us" makes for a much more interesting heaven.  God even says "When there is an "Us" He is there too."  God can't resist a good "Us".

To all the "Us's" in my life... past and present... "Thank you for making my life a much better life... without you it would be very lonely... thanks for the love and the laughs... thanks for a ton of wonderful memories and thanks for letting me be a part of your "Us".

2012-"It's all about Us" is my new years resolution.  My goal in 2012 is to ask one question that will direct my decisions... the question is... drum roll please.... Is it good for "Us"?  For example:  Is it good for us if I quit smoking?  My answer... Yes, without me there is no us because, smoking will kill me and the "us's" I care about... or  I would really like to take my kids to Hawaii... would that be good for us?  My answer... Absolutely!  (and I can pay for it with the money I save from not buying cigarettes)  My goal in 2012 is to bless the socks off of the "Us" that is Madison, Dylan and Dad... We are my most important "Us".  Here's a couple other questions I'm going to ask along the way.  What will make "us" happy?  What will make "us" whole?  What will make "us" healthy?  What will make "us" wealthy?  What will make "us" wise? I'm looking forward to 2012... it's going to be a great year for "Us".

2012-It's all about "Us"... So, lift a glass and repeat after me... "To US"!!! ...
Cheers!

Wednesday 28 December 2011

"Better is Better"

For the past few years I have been very sick... not just a cough due to cold as Forest Gump would say... but, sick right straight through my soul.  I can't tell you how I got sick or what caused it... I can't remember waking up one day and saying "man, I think I'm sick"... All I know is that one day I could remember being well... I could look back in time and see that I was no longer myself.  By then I had already been sick for a long time... months or maybe years.  As I look back at the the years before I became sick I can recognize myself... light in my eyes, love in my heart, purpose, destiny and a six pack you could grate cheese on... (that last one is a lie but, what the hey) but now, in the present, when I look back at when I was sick I can hardly recognize myself at all... the whole picture looks dark and blurry I can see things moving around but its hard to recognize them and I can hear voices but they are jumbled and confusing...when I look at the sick me I look like "Gollum" ... pale, shriveled, confused, extreme, fearful and guilty.  It's better to be able to remember what its like to be well.

I remember the spring in my step, the laughter in my spirit, and being able to hold my head up and feel good about my life... I felt good all the time. ... I was happy... really happy... deep down inside my heart joyful... all the time.   I saw the best in things... the potential in others, the goodness in the heart of people... I trusted with my whole heart... believed... had huge faith and the energy to chase the things I dreamed of... not, just my own dreams... I loved helping others reach their dreams.

I remember being so giving, generous, always believing that as I gave I would receive.  When I was well I bought strangers their lunch without them knowing just to see the look on their face.  When I was well I had all the time in the world for others... loved parties and campfires and the sound of good old fun... and speaking of fun... I was fun!

However, when I got sick I slowly started morphing into Gollum... I became selfish, worried and greedy... I was only concerned about what was in it for me and how I could prosper... I trusted no one... no one.  When I was sick I had no dreams and was jealous and resentful of those who did... I envied the well... I hated the "healthy" people... because it reminded me that I was sick...  When I started to realize I was no longer myself my sickness became my "precious"... it consumed me ... I  hated it for what it was doing to me so I hid it ... it became my secret... I kept acting like I was well or at least tried...  but, it swallowed me whole... It transformed me and I couldn't stop it... I tried to ignore it but it constantly whispered my name... it was always there waiting for me... waiting... I prayed that God would heal me... I begged... I pleaded... but, before I would get off my knees I would look across the bed and see the shadowy figure just waiting... and it got me.  (sounded like  a line from Frank Peretti's "This present Darkness" for a minute)

Thinking of getting better was torturous... I would have to admit that I was sick ... at first that was hard to do because I didn't know that I was sick but, after awhile it was just my pride... I was to proud to be sick... people like me don't get sick.  Protecting my image was more important to me than being honest... after all I had been sick before and was miraculously healed... I couldn't get sick again.  To get sick was more than humbling for me it was humiliating...  I would be dependent on others to take care of me... its hard to lets others care for you... it says you are weak, it says your sick, it made me feel like a failure... a burden... I was tired and exhausted all the time I couldn't work like I used to and eventually not at all and that made me feel guilty... because I could remember being well.   So, I would try to act well.  When I was sick and I tried to act well I actually acted sicker... going out for a drink became a hugh risk for all those involved... the embarrassing things I did caused me to feel ashamed...  I was so sick that everything I did was sick and caused sickness... I felt like the walking plague... there was only one thing to do for the good of all those around me... Hide.  So, like Glollum I crawled into my cave of sickness and decided to let it turn me into ... well, Glollum.  I was sick, afraid, hurt, humiliated, guilty, embarrassed, ashamed and isolated...    While in my dark cave of sickness I would remember being well but, it seemed like some distant memory of the shire... just a small ray of light that would illuminate the condition I was in... I could see for those brief moments what I really looked like and I had become hideous... so, I hid from the light.  I went blind I couldn't see one good thing... and I could not understand the words of others anymore.  I could not feel their love or their care.   Everything got filtered through my sickness... I was really sick. 

I was sick.  I was really sick for a very long time... years.  What was my illness?  Depression.  I got depressed... I don't know how or why... could be stress or the common struggles in life but, those questions don't matter.  I got depressed.  It wasn't my fault... it wasn't anyones fault... I got depressed.  I got depressed and I didn't know how to cope with my life.  I tried many things to cope ... to fill the emptiness in my soul... but everything I tried just added weight to the blanket of sickness I was under... ie was heavy like lead and cold ... it shifted with my ever move and just held me down. I wanted to be happy again sooo bad... I wanted to be well again sooo bad... I tried everything.

Like all sickness depression doesn't say "Hey I'm making you sick with depression" ... it lies to you.  Like when your arm hurts cause you are about to have a heart attach.  Depression sends you the false signal that something else or everything else is wrong...  I tried to get better but, my sick mind gave me sick information... my brain was sick... the thinker had a virus, a glitch... and everything I thought was sick... my heart was sick it struggled to love and couldn't feel ... even my soul was infected... it felt black... lost... barely alive.  I was very sick for a very long time.

Then I got Better.

Just like the day when I could look back and see something had changed and knew I was sick... I could look back and see I wasn't sick... I was better.  I am better, I am well, I am thankful, I am soooo thankful.  I have a heart that feels again... it feels everything... my spirit is awake and my soul is free and full of light... It feels good to stand in the sun and feel the warmth ... it feels good to care.  I'm not afraid to be seen... I was hideous but, I'm better.

I don't know how it happened but, I remember what helped and I remember what didn't help.  Booze didn't help it just opened the door so all the sickness on the inside could come outside and harm the ones I love.  Weed didn't help it just made me not care about myself or anyone else.  Yelling did not help... it never does.  However, medication helped, therapy helped... Paddy Ducklow helped... he gave me tools that fixed my ignorance and my arrogance and he helped me realize I could change and not repeat the things that made me sick...  kindness helped, friends helped, my sister helped, Scott helped, loving words helped... my doctors helped... Karen Thrall helped... she helped more than anyone will ever understand.   Madison and Dylan helped... wow... my kids really, really helped.

How did I get better?  I don't know.  All I know is "Better is Better"!

Post Script:  While writing this I was reminded how much Karen, Madison and Dylan had to endure.   Their love and support and words of encouragement... their faithfulness and constant attempts to help will never be forgotten... I can see them now and I can hear them now... you are my most valued sanctified memories.  My heart overflows with gratitude and thanksgiving to you... I recently had the opportunity to speak with some friends who had to care for their mom when she was sick... it helped me see, a little better, the pain each of you endured... I was enlightened by their story and know I can never repay you for all you did and tried to do to take care for me.  I know it was hard, frustrating and exhausting...  I love you deeply.  I know it was very hard to live with me when I was sick... very hard. Thank You for loving me even when I was sick.... and Thank You for helping me get better.

Better is SOOOOO much Better.

Wednesday 21 December 2011

IMPOSSIBLE!

Believing in the impossible is... almost impossible.  I've been thinking lately about the impossible things that you look for in life... like when your sick, or depressed or broke or all the things that can hound us in life.  Sometimes I wonder why there is that thing in me that says its going to be alright... even when it looks impossible... but, then I remember.

I remember many years ago when a friend of mine, Mrs Whitaker,  had a tumor and it looked like it was cancer... we prayed for her at the church one night and it went away... yep it just disappeared.  When they told us the good news it was hard to believe because thats impossible.  A few years ago another friend of mine Coleene had the same thing happen... one day a lump...next day nothing... hard to believe but it happened.

I remember when my brother Jack moved to Canada to see if the impossible would happen for him.  After years of struggling with one thing or another (and man I understand that) he found himself in need of more than just a new outlook on life... he needed a complete overhaul.  It looked impossible, everyone doubted that anything would change ... Then one morning he walked out of his bedroom with that grin of his and said... "You know, I've been a yeah-but Christian all my life but, this morning I realized that all those stories in the Bible could happen to me.  I thought, "This is impossible" ...  but, it was'nt... he was changed and never looked back...  I remember hearing "If Jack will come to Canada I will heal him" ... Sounded like God at the time and I guess it was... sounded impossible to me but, it wasn't my first time at being wrong.

Here's a couple mind boggling things... a mission trip to Grenada changed my life forever because I encountered Holy Spirit in a whole new way.  How about gold teeth, gold flakes, the Toronto Blessing, people falling over all over the place, YWAM classes, Joy Bible Camp... revivals, renewals, dreams, visions, etc. etc. etc... Impossible?  Yes!  Does it happen?  Yes.  It's hard to believe the impossible... even after you have seen it with your own eyes... felt it in your own soul.

I can remember all kinds of impossible things that have happened throughout my life... hundreds maybe thousands... so, why is it so hard to keep believing for the impossible to happen again... whats missing in my little heart or mind...  what whispers... "its not going to happen this time it is completely impossible"... But, it's not!  Because I remember a lot of impossible things that happened.

How about a virgin birth?  Now that is impossible!  Or an angle telling a very confused young man that its okay ... go ahead and marry the girl.  How about a star leading three wise men to a stable in a little town in the middle of no where... It seems that really great stories have some "impossible" things in them. No one expects it to happen, some don't even want it to happen... and, when it does happen you think... "did that just happen" ... "no, that could not have just happened"... "Am I imagining this?" ...  Some will discourage even the attempt at the impossible... "Just accept the facts "...  "You need to move on" or "don't get you're hopes up" and I'm sure they mean well... after all its painful to wait for the impossible... its hard to hope for more than the inevitable... to believe things can get better, that hearts can change, bills get paid, sickness's getting well,  ... it feels impossible... But, I remember.

I heard once that nothing is impossible and I'm pretty sure the person who said it has the ability to perform the impossible anytime He wants ... Imagine... what if the impossible happens again?

I want the impossible.

Saturday 17 December 2011

Why?

I have a very good friend named Ben... almost a second dad.  He, like many others has developed a condition that is causing him to be unable to recall memories.  Faces, names and events flash through his mind and then are gone again... you can see the memory flash across his face, sparkle in his eyes or reflect in his smile... and then its gone.  I have more than one person in my life with this condition and as I watch them and chat with them I wonder what it must be like to struggle to remember.  I have mixed feelings when I think about living without the ability to remember... sometimes I wish I could wipe my mind clean ... I would sure feel better about myself.  Things just don't work that way you just don't get to pick and choose what you remember... you can act like you don't remember or ignore the memories and I've done both... but memories are more persistent than Jesus they just keep knocking until you open the door and invite them in.  I was talking to Ben awhile back and he was telling me how his dad won the horse shoeing world championship at the worlds fair in St. Louis in 1914 ... (I've seen the trophy) ...   Ben sat there for awhile and said "1914" ... and then again "1914"  and then the story faded and we just sat there in the presence of a good memory.   I thought "I should remember this."  Why should I remember this?  Because I can! ... I can still remember... I remember it all... Thank God I can still remember!  Let me tell you what I remember about Ben... and in his case I am honored to remember it for him.

I remember Ben leading the singing at the little church I was raised in Marble Hill Bible Chapel... he was my favorite... he would smile and laugh and wave his arm in time.   Ben has a great sense of humor and always has... always a joke or a look or a poke.  He was a salesman and his region was the state or Missouri where he sold office supplies of some kind to schools... he was on the road all the time... home every weekend unless he had to work northern Missouri... and always had a great story to tell about some character he met while traveling.   He loves sports and was a basketball coach at my old high school Woodland High... He was the first person that I knew who actually played golf. He once owned a 1959 Chevy Belair... Red... two door hardtop... If I close my eyes I can still see it parked beside his house in the yard.

Ben loved bird dogs and bird hunting...(quail)  he loved horses ... "Tennessee Walkers"  In my eyes he was, and still is, a great man.  He wasn't a real "handyman" but, he got the job done and I remember many times how my dad and he would team up and tackle some job when Ben needed a hand.  However, there is one memory that stands out in my mind about Ben.

Every summer  Ben would give me a ride to Bible camp in Tennessee... Mid-South Bible Camp in Montgomery Bell State Park and he would buy my meal... as a matter of fact he seemed to always buy your meal... he was so generous and he treated me like a son... (he would even flick my ears if I misbehaved in church)


Ben may not remember how wonderful a man he was and he wouldn't admit it if he did... but, I do.  There's one more thing about Ben I should tell and he still remembers... He loves his family.  He loves his daughter and his son and he is still very much in love with his wife... still takes her hand when they walk across the street... maybe its so he wont get lost but, I highly doubt it.

You see this is why memories and the stories and the people that fill them need to be Sanctified... My life has been full of men and women like Ben... my family, my friends ... new and old ... and no matter what has happened they all have good memories attached to them... Pain or change or separation should never be allowed to rob, discolor or negate the memories... These articles that are stored in our minds need to be picked up from time to time and dusted off... brought out into the light and celebrated every once in awhile.  There in there for a reason... and when you think of one or tell one or laugh at one you bring honor to those who where there... you show respect and give life a nod of approval ...  "Sanctified Memories"

JEQ